Happy Kids

Co-parenting over School Holidays

 

Take time to Plan ahead:

 

Co-parenting during School holiday arrangements for the children can be hard .
School Holidays can be hard even in a non separated household.
Both parents may need to work and both parents may want to have time off with the children.
It is just as hard for the children, sometimes.
It’s a mistake to talk about “the children” as though they were a single unit rather than kids of different ages and personalities.
So to co-parent through the holidays, we have to find a way to satisfy the individual needs of the people involved.
It’s best if the discussions about holidays takes place in plenty of time before the holidays so that the holiday time arrangements can be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction.

 

Various Options for Holiday Time Co-parenting:

 

Parents can use a combination of vacation care, accrued annual leave and grandparents to get through the holiday break.
In Janet Baxter’s study of the Australian Institute of Family Studies, she noted that some kids have been staying home by themselves while their parents worked.
The statistics show that more and more families are using School holiday programs or ” vacation care”.
Whatever plan you make for your family, it is always best to do it with civility and avoid involving the children in any conflict.

Its extra stress for everyone if the arrangements are vague or uncertain. Once everyone knows what co-parenting arrangements are going to be in place, then the children and the parents can relax and enjoy their holidays.

 

What to do if you can’t agree:

 

If you and your ex partner can’t agree well in advance of the holidays, think about going to mediation. There you should  to try to resolve the issues with the help of a mediator or counsellor who is registered as a Family Dispute Resolution Provider (FDRP). If you want to find an FDRP, then click HERE  .

If that fails, then you can ask for a S 60(1) certificate from the Family Dispute Resolution Provider. You may have to go to Court to get arrangements for school holidays.  You will need to file a section 60(i) certificate with your application. Sometimes, if you see a Family Lawyer then the lawyer may first write a letter to the other parent to see if there is a possibility of agreement. We almost always try to resolve  matters this way. If there is urgency or the other parent has absolutely refused to engage in sensible co-parenting discussions, you may need to go to Court.

 

The Journey Brisbane Family Lawyers difference :

 

  1. 1. We offer fixed fees for a letter to your ex partner. We also can do fixed fees  for bringing an application up to the end of  its first day in Court.
  2. 2. Our clients have been able to get affordable representation by using our unique step in-step out process.  The clients then manage the case on their own in  between Court events, only calling on their lawyer for help when they need it.
  3. 3. We also travel to Rockhampton for the Federal Circuit Court and Family Court and do not charge for travel and accommodation in Rockhampton.

 

Just call and ask for a fixed fee quote, or email us or call for an appointment on (07) 38325999 ( for North Lakes, Strathpine and Brisbane City Offices.

We acknowledge using some information from the 2013 paper by  Janet Baxter of the Australian Institute of Family Studies.  familylawyer - Successful Co-ParentingYou can read it HERE .

familylawyer - Successful Co-Parenting

Top 10 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

The term “co-parenting” is used to describe a situation where two parents work together to raise a child following separation, divorce or changed living conditions. Both parents maintain some type of shared responsibility, equal or otherwise, as a protection of the child’s right to continue to receive care and love from both parents.

Lynette Galvin, our Accredited Family Law Specialist and Family Lawyer, has seen lots of co-parenting successes. But she’s also seen co-parenting fails, including her own. Lynette understands the world of co-parenting because she lives it everyday as a stepmother. Therefore there’s no one more qualified to assist you in your co-parenting journey. Here are Lynette’s top 10 tips for successful co-parenting.

1. Do not relay messages through your children

Try to communicate directly with your ex-partner and avoid asking your children to relay messages on your behalf. Co-parenting is about working together, and if you show your kids you cannot talk directly with your ex-partner, you’re sending the wrong message. Furthermore, asking a child to relay a message could be somewhat distressing to the other parent. Messages such as “Mum says you should be putting us to bed earlier”, put a lot of pressure on them. Protect your child’s comfort and deliver the message yourself. If you primarily communicate through text or email, remember that tone and intention can often be misconstrued.

2. Keep conversation to the point and business-like

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While it’s important that you speak directly and often to your ex-partner, it’s also important to keep things brief and matter-of-fact. This is especially so if your conversations tend to lead to an argument.

Stick to the facts and what directly impacts them or the kids. Avoid rolling your eyes, a disbelieving shake of the head, tutting, or any other gesture that can be just as hurtful as name calling. If you do slip up, apologise immediately. You’re in the business of taking care of your children, so try to speak or write to your ex-partner as if they are your business partner. That means being cordial and respectful.

3. Only speak positively

When you make a conscious decision to speak only in positive terms about your ex-partner (at least in front of the kids – we know some venting is needed), you allow your kids to grow up with feelings of respect and admiration. These feelings are crucial for their wellbeing and comfort.

The only person you have control over is yourself. Even if your ex-partner doesn’t show the same courtesy by speaking positively of you, try to take the high road. Learning to ignore a badmouthing ex-partner will result in a big family payoff.

If your ex-partner has something bad to say, be careful with your response. Explain to your kids that sometimes people say things they don’t necessarily mean when they’re upset, and then advise them that you’ll talk it over in private. Whatever you do, don’t lash back with name calling. Model the best way to respond to difficult situations with maturity and integrity and your children will respect you for it.

4. Be considerate

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Even though you are no longer together, you are allowed to care for your ex-partner. That said, you need to give your ex-partner time to understand and process the breakup. You might be feeling okay about things but how people deal with a break up of relationship varies enormously. Your ex-partner might be hurting and you should consider this and allow them time to get over you. Be polite and respectful and if they don’t want to talk at first, don’t push. Explain that you are open to communications any time they are ready and sincerely ensure that if there is any time they would like to talk that you’ll be there.

Being considerate also includes letting your ex-partner know about school functions, being flexible with schedules and asking them for their opinion. Recognise that working together means putting your kids first and that it requires sacrifice. Not easy for either of you, but necessary.

5. Back off when it’s not your time

It’s fine to want to know what your kids are up to when they are with your ex-partner and it’s also okay to try and coordinate schedules. Nevertheless, you must try to avoid intruding on your ex-partner’s time with the kids. Avoid scheduling children’s activities on the other parent’s time without clearing it with them first and don’t call or text too often. Pick your battles and don’t pull up on every small component of parenting you would have done differently. If your ex-partner took the kids to McDonalds or sent your son to a birthday party in a dirty T-shirt, is it really the end of the world?

6. Refrain from exposing your fears

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Talking to your kids about emotions and helping them to understand what effect they can have on others is important for building a healthy emotional vocabulary. Crying is a natural and normal thing to do, but it has its time and place. Following a relationship breakdown, kids are feeling scared. Seeing you cry teaches them that you care and that the breakup matters, but if you are crying everyday it can be quite frightening for your kids. Children need to know that everything is going to be alright, even when you’re not sure it is. Teach them that being upset is okay, but when you feel the waterworks coming on repeatedly, slip into the shower to hide some of your pain.

7. Think about the future

There are bound to be times when it all seems too hard. You will want to scream and shout and declare that you are “done”. But think about the future. Imagine your child’s graduation, their wedding, or the day they give birth to their first child. If you show unreasonable behaviour now, will it prevent you from standing beside each other on these special occasions? If you’d like nothing more than to make your child happy on these momentous days, take a deep breath and keep calm.

8. Leave decision-making to the parents

Whether you’ve entered a new relationship or your mother is on your case about needing “more time”, “less time”, “more money” or a “cleaner home”, keep parenting decisions between you and your ex-partner. Other people are entitled to show some angst, but their angst shouldn’t impact how you choose to co-parent. You and your ex-partner are the only parents involved. If someone else doesn’t respect that, show them how strongly you feel about the matter.

9. Never air your grievances on Facebook

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Unlike a private conversation, aired grievances on the internet remain there forever. Something you write in haste or after a few wines might seem harmless at the time, but it can haunt you for years to come. Keep the relationship between you, your ex-partner and a few close confidants. If you need to vent, see a professional. No good will come from a vent on Facebook. We promise you that.

10. Make the most of your free time

When the kids are going to your ex-partner, make a plan! Sitting around and moping will only highlight the negative aspects of the situation, leading to hurt feelings. Plan to catch up with friends, go watch a movie, do the housework or go to the gym – any activity that will keep you busy and gives you some all important “me” time.

Think forward with Journey Family Lawyers

Lynne’s biggest piece of advice? Foster positive transitions for yourself, your ex-partner and your kids by engaging with Journey Family Lawyers Brisbane. You’ll receive specialist care so that you can work together harmoniously while keeping costs down.

Understanding the Divorce Process, with Clickable links to help

Are you thinking of getting a divorce and want to know what the process is like? If you live in Brisbane or North Brisbane there are five key steps in the divorce process you should know about, and it’s important that you understand what each one entails before you get a divorce. This includes filing for divorce, property settlement, and managing co-parenting after separation. You should also seek legal help when you get a divorce, especially if you’ve got children and joint property.

Divorce and separation

The Federal Circuit Court of Australia has the jurisdiction to deal with divorces under the Family Law Act 1975. When granting a divorce, the Court doesn’t consider the reasons for the divorce but simply recognises that the marriage has ended due to a breakdown and the parties will not get back together.

If you have children under 18 years of age, the Court will only grant a divorce if you’ve made proper arrangements for them.

Who can apply for a divorce?

In Australia, you can apply for a divorce if you and/or your spouse meet one of the following criteria:

  • You consider Australia your home country and will live in it permanently or
  • You’re an Australian citizen or
  • You normally live in Australia and have done so one year before filing for divorce.

If you married overseas and want to get a divorce in Australia, either you or your spouse must also meet the above criteria. You also need to give the Court a copy of your marriage certificate. If it isn’t in English, you should file an English translation of it, as well as an affidavit from the translator.

When applying for a divorce, you’ll need to prove to the Court that you’ve lived separately and apart from your spouse for at least one year and that you won’t resume married life. You can, however, be separated and still live in the same house – this is also known as being separated under one roof.

‘Separation under the one roof’… What does it mean?

You and your spouse can be separated but continue to live in the same house one year before applying for divorce. You’ll have to prove to the Court that you were separated during this time. You can find more information about this in the publication ‘Separated but living under one roof’.

How to apply for divorce

Simply register for the Commonwealth Courts Portal if you haven’t already done so, then complete the Application for Divorce online and pay the filing fee.

How much will a divorce cost?

The filing fee for a divorce application is $865. If you’re experiencing financial hardship or hold certain government concession cards, you may be eligible for a fee reduction. If so, you only have to pay $290.

What to do if you’ve been married less than two years

You should file a counselling certificate. You’ll have to attend counselling to get the certificate. Contact the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321 to arrange counselling, or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. If you can’t attend counselling with your spouse, you should file an affidavit. You and your spouse should also have been separated for at least one year before applying for a divorce.

What if you have children and joint property?

The granting of a divorce doesn’t determine issues of property distribution or arrangements for children. For more information, please refer to ‘Property and Asset Settlement’, ‘Child Custody’, and ‘Co-parenting/Managing Separation with Children’ below.

Where to find more information on divorce and separation

Changing your name and address after getting divorced

Reverting to your maiden name or former name

If you took your spouse’s surname when you got married, you can revert to your maiden name or former following a divorce or separation.

If you were married in Australia, you should contact every organisation you have a personal account with to change your family name. You also have to provide proof of the name change, including the following:

  • Australian birth certificate
  • Australian marriage certificate
  • Updated photo ID
  • Identity documents

If you were born and/or married overseas and legally changed your family name to your spouse’s with the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, you’ll have to legally change your name again with them.

If you were married in Australia, you’re entitled to be known by your maiden name regardless of your marital status. You simply need to prove the link between your married and maiden names with your marriage and birth certificates.

Who you need to notify when changing your name and address

Here are some organisations, governments, banks, and councils you’ll need to notify when you change your name and address after a divorce: They are all clickable links straight to the people you need to notify. We hope this helps you in these chaotic times.

You can easily and quickly notify organisations of your new name using a personalised name change kit.

Property and asset settlement

When your marriage is over, the financial ties between you and your ex should be finalised. For example, if you have a joint property, you should decide what happens to the house. You can either sell it or stay in it and your ex moves out.

What’s included in the property pool?

When you make a claim for property settlement, the Court will look at the property at the date of proceedings and at the date of Trial if it makes it all the way through the Court process. This means property, assets, and debt acquired after separation by either party will be brought into the property pool.

The property pool can include:

  • Joint property
  • Investments (shares, real estate)
  • Interests in businesses and companies
  • Interests or entitlements in trusts
  • Interests in deceased estates
  • Superannuation and savings
  • Inheritance money or lottery win
  • Boats
  • Vehicles
  • Jewellery
  • Artwork
  • Personal injury and compensation payouts
  • Long service leave
  • Life tenancy
  • Pension entitlements

How to start the property settlement process

The property settlement process should start soon after you divorce or separate from your spouse. At Journey Family Lawyers, we usually start the process by advising you of your entitlements. Then with your instructions, we’ll draft a letter to send to your ex partner to try to reach an agreement without having to go to Court. If an agreement can’t be reached, we recommend mediation between you and your ex partner. If there’s little chance of mediation succeeding, however, Court proceedings will commence and mediation can follow.

Time constraints for property settlement

Your or your ex-partner must apply to the Court for property settlement within 12 months of your divorce or within two years of your separation. If you don’t commence property proceedings within these time limits, you could lose your rights.

How to formalise your property settlement

The best way to finalise your property settlement is through a consent order, which is an order that you and your ex have agreed to. If the Court finds the property settlement to be fair and reasonable, they’ll make the order.

If you can’t reach an agreement with your ex, you can apply to the Court for a financial order.

How is the value of the assets determined?

When negotiating a property settlement, the Court will determine the value of the assets of both parties.

  • Furniture –The value of furniture is determined by their current sale value or second-hand value, not their replacement value or insurance value.
  • Joint property –The value of the property is what someone’s prepared to pay for it. But if you won’t be selling it, the value of the home is determined by taking the average of all the valuations provided by reputable real estate agents in the area. This is enough for most negotiations, but if agreement cannot be reached on the value and it goes to trial, a proper valuation by a registered valuer will be needed.
  • Cars, Motorbikes :These can be valued initially from a Redbook Valuation or a formal valuation obtained from a registered valuer.
  • Boats; These can be either valued or comparative values can be obtained from Tradeboats online.
  • Caravans These can be estimated initially from a Caravan online sales site or a formal Valuation
  • Superannuation –The value of your superannuation is harder to determine as its current value is lower than it’ll be at your retirement age. A Journey Family Lawyer can use forms to obtain information from your superfund to determine your super’s value. The forms are included in the Superannuation Information Kit. Self-managed super funds are generally valued with the help of an accountant. Some special Superannuation funds like Military Super have their own valuation process.

How are assets and debts divided?

When deciding how to divide assets and debts, the Court looks at:

  • What you’ve got and what you owe (assets and debts and what they’re worth)
  • The parties’ direct financial contributions to the marriage (wage and salary earnings)
  • The parties’ indirect financial contributions (gifts and inheritances from families)
  • The non-financial contributions to the marriage (caring for children and homemaking)
  • The parties’ future needs (the Court will consider your age, health, financial resources, care of children, ability to earn, etc).
  • Any financial resource or entitlement that you have that is not actually ‘property’ that can be divided between you both.

How can you split superannuation?

While you can split superannuation entitlements between both parties, it doesn’t automatically convert the interests into cash. The entitlements are still subject to superannuation laws, eg. it’s normally retained until you reach retirement age.

You can split superannuation by:

  • Entering into a formal written agreement
  • Seeking a consent order
  • Obtaining a court order if you can’t reach an agreement with your ex partner.

If you’re seeking a court order, the Court will tell the trustee of the superfund about the order by providing them with 28 days written notice. The trustee can attend the court hearing and object to the order you’re seeking. This is called providing the trustee with ‘procedural fairness’. Once the order is made, you should give a sealed copy of the order to the trustee.

Child custody

Child abuse or family violence

If your spouse abuses your children, you can apply to the Court to grant you custody of your children and you can ask the Courts to have your spouse leave the home by court order. If you’ll be leaving the house and your children are going with you, you should also take items that your children may need if you have time and also your special things that are of sentimental value.

If you’ve experienced domestic violence, you can apply to the Court for a domestic violence protection order to protect you, your children, and other relatives or associates from your ex.

While it’s important that your children have both parents involved in their lives, you should also make sure they’re protected from physical and psychological harm. The Family Law Act specifically says so.

What is ‘equal shared parental responsibility’?

Whether you or your spouse have full custody of your children, the Court will usually presume it’s in the children’s best interests if both of you have equal shared parental responsibility. In the case of child abuse or family violence, this won’t apply.

Equal shared parental responsibility means both parents are responsible for making long-term decisions for their children after a divorce or separation. This means you and your spouse should make parenting arrangements for your children, and they must be practical and in your children’s best interests. These could cover:

  • Where your children live
  • Who your children spend time and communicate with
  • What time your children spend with the parent they don’t live with
  • Times for your children to contact each parent by phone when they’re with the other parent
  • Childcare or education
  • Medical issues
  • Religious or cultural practices
  • Financial support for your children
  • Changeover arrangements (Where and what time should changeover occur, who drives where)
  • Arrangements for special days (Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays)
  • How you and your ex-spouse will communicate with each other.

Who can you include in parenting arrangements?

If it’s in your children’s best interests, you can include the following people in your parenting arrangements:

  • Grandparents
  • Extended family
  • Other people who are concerned with the welfare of children.

Most importantly, you and your spouse should both be included in the parenting arrangements, to the extent possible having regard to any child abuse or family violence.

Written parenting arrangements

There are three types of written parenting arrangements. If you and your spouse agree with the arrangements made for your children, you can record your agreement as a parenting plan or a consent order. If you disagree with the arrangements, you can apply to the Court for a parenting order. But you should try to reach an agreement through family dispute resolution before applying.

1. Parenting plan

A parenting plan sets out the care arrangements for your children. It must be signed and dated by both parents. There’s no need for it to be in a specific format or witnessed.

You can change the plan any time by making another written agreement. It must also be signed and dated by both parents.

2. Consent order

You can apply to the Court for a consent order to make your agreement legally binding. You can also apply for a consent order online. You’ll also have to complete an Annexure to draft consent parenting order. You should file this with the Court at the same time as you apply for the consent order.

The consent order should be signed and dated by a suitable witness, such as a Justice of the Peace. You’ll have to pay a $160 fee when you file an application for a consent order.

You can change a consent order by making another consent order, parenting plan, or parenting order.

3. Parenting order

A parenting order is an order made by the Court regarding arrangements for your children and your parental responsibilities. The Family Law Act sets out what the Court should consider when making parenting orders, including what’s in your children’s best interests.

A parenting order is legally enforceable, so if you disobey the order you can face serious consequences.

Child support payments

Depending on who has custody of your children, you can determine the amount of child support you need to pay or receive by visiting Child Support at the Department of Human Services. If you want to change a child support assessment due to special circumstances, you can complete an application form to change the assessment. Your child support will be changed if there are indeed special circumstances and the change would be fair to both parents and the children.

Sometimes if your Income is going to radically increase or decrease, you could lodge an Estimate Of Income but be careful to read the guidelines or get legal advice before you do.

Co-parenting and managing a separation with children

Have your children’s best interests in mind

When co-parenting/managing separation with children, you and your ex should always have your children’s best interests in mind. Here are some factors to consider:

  • Protecting your children from harm
  • Ensuring your children have a meaningful relationship with both parents
  • The views of your children (Giving weight to their age and maturity)
  • The relationships your children have with each parent and other family members
  • The capacity and participation of each parent when parenting and spending time with the children
  • The effect of any changes to the children’s circumstance
  • The practical difficulty and expense of any arrangements.
  • The relationship the children have with each other sibling

What is ‘equal shared care’?

Equal shared care means your children spend half the time living with you and the other half with your ex.

In many cases, however, an equal shared-care arrangement isn’t in the children’s best interests, so the Court will consider an alternative arrangement. For example, your children will live with you and spend every second weekend, plus one night each week and half of the school holidays with your ex. Other arrangements such as 4 or 5 day weekends every second week, or 8 days a fortnight with one parent and 6 days a fortnight with the other are also common. It depends on what is best for the children.

What if you’re relocating?

If you’ll be relocating with your children, you should get your ex’s written consent or do it with a court order. On the other hand, if your ex moves away with your children and it affects your children’s ability to spend time with you, you can obtain a recovery order requiring your ex to return your children.

Tips for successful co-parenting

Here are some tips for successful co-parenting:

  • Don’t use your children to relay messages to their other parent.
  • Speak directly to your ex partner but keep it businesslike and to the point
  • Don’t talk badly about your ex to your kids or in their hearing
  • Be considerate towards your ex-partner
  • Respect your children’s time with your ex-partner
  • Don’t do something that would make it hard for your children to have both parents attend their weddings
  • Don’t let another adult’s angst affect the decisions you make in your parenting arrangements with your ex-partner
  • Plan your time when your children are away, so that you don’t mope
  • Don’t air your grievances on social media, even if you’ve blocked your ex-partner. Someone will pass it on and one day the kids may read it too..

Would you like some guidance through your divorce? Contact Journey Family Lawyers Brisbane today

With more than 30 years’ experience, Journey Family Lawyers Brisbane can guide you through the process of divorce and help you achieve a positive outcome. Our services include divorce, separation, property settlement, and child support. We’ve helped thousands of Australians through their separation, so call us now on (07) 3832 5999 for a free 15-minute consultation. You’ll get personal advice from one of our friendly specialist family lawyers to ensure your divorce goes as smoothly as possible.

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